(continued)

Back Story: 420 & Chronic

Problem: You’re stoned again. Yippee. Daytime television has meandered into the news hour and the light outside has changed. It dawns on you that the last time you left the house, Katie Couric was smiling at you, and in fifteen minutes Tom Brokaw will attempt to do the same thing, only without lip liner and with more prominent incisors. I mean, you like Katie and all, but the way her lipstick runs into those little vertical cracks on her lips bugs. Lack of exercise plus the 420 has left you convinced she’s going to call at some point. You want to let her know how much she means to you.

Solution: Control, Puddle of Mud.

Yep, that’s the ticket. This is a job for some Kurt Cobain inspired declarations about the way she smacks your ass and how you love the dirty things she does, even though you know you can’t control her, and she can’t control you. Man you must be REALLY stoned—she gets up at like 4:30 in the morning, and has three kids. Plus she’s married to Matt Lauer, anyhow.